I PROMISE I'LL BE BETTER

"I've been sober for three years now," I smiled, exhausted as all hell but feeling somewhat victorious for the first time in my life. After a life full of nothing but mistakes, I finally did something right.

"Proud of you, Mom," Tyler smiled back at me, his voice deeper than I remember from the last time we talked. Time flies, especially when your kid's are involved. One minute they're wearing diapers, the next they're smarter and more mature than you are. It's funny how fast they surpass you in ways you never could've imagined.

"Couldn't have done it without you, kiddo. You gave me the extra push I needed. You made me strong. I don't know what I did to deserve such a sweet and caring boy."

Tyler shook his head, his curly black hair flowing in the crisp, Autumn breeze. "I didn't do anything. It was all you, Mom. It's okay to be proud of yourself every once in a while, ya know? I know it wasn't easy for you, being a single mom that came from a bad home. There were times I hated you because you chose the bottle over me, but I guess I understand now that I'm a bit older. You were never perfect, I admit, but I know you tried your best."

"I dunno, can you really find it in your heart to forgive a screw-up like me?" I was asking myself as much as I was asking my boy.

"Don't call yourself that, Mom. Most people relapse or give up during the counseling process. But you never gave up. You did it for me. You struggled, you made selfish decisions that hurt me a lot, but in the end, you chose me. You chose to be better. It's okay to be proud."

"I love you, Tyler," a tear rolled down my cheek, "I would give up anything in the world to have you at my side, you know that? I just wish I realized that sooner."

"Better late than never," Tyler laughed, showing maturity far beyond his years once again.

I laughed along with him, crying harder than I had ever intended.

"It's ironic though, isn't it?" I sniffled, tears soaking my bright blue scrubs. "I dedicated my entire life to being there for people when they needed me, but I couldn't be there for my own son when he needed me."

"You're here now, Mom."

"I'll never touch another bottle again," I promised. "I'll never spend another afternoon drowning my sorrows while refusing to acknowledge that you were battling your own demons."

"We can fight 'em together from now on," Tyler placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, "now stop those tears, okay? What'll your boss think if you show up to work with mascara smeared all over your face?"

"Sorry," I laughed, wiping my tears away. "From now on, I promise I'll be better."

"I know you will, Mom."

"I wish I could stay here forever, but duty calls. I'm running a bit late."

"I understand. Thanks for spending time with me, Mom. I'll see you again tomorrow?"

My heart clenched, and I had to keep myself from breaking into tears again.

"Of course you will, sweetie," I planted a kiss on his gravestone, "I'll always be there when you need me from now on."